I know you won’t ever love me

One by one the come back. The all-star, the quiet one… so on and so forth. I missed them both, and I’ve had the chance to see both. But why would I rather see one over the other? I care about them equally the same, but something scares me about hanging out with him. 

It sucks late at night when I need someone, but I know no one is there for me. Its understandable, I push people away in the hopes that they will chase after me, which is what I long for, but how unrealistic of me to think any boy would do such a thing for me. And as contradictory this might seem, I don’t need a man to chase me, but I like it because men give you different insight on things, and I enjoy that. Of course yes women can do that as well, but there’s nothing like curling up next to a guy on a couch and talking for hours on end and not realizing that hours have passed. That is what I long for, and yes I do miss him, the one who did me wrong, I know that it’s all for the better that he’s out of my life and I’m here by myself, for it gives me time to think. But I do need someone to talk to about the loneliness I feel at 1 in the morning.

Honestly, it made me happy to know that I still hurt each of them a bit each day. I’m happy at the fact that he resents her a lot for doing what she did, she’s getting what she deserved and although no one deserves to feel that on a daily basis from their boyfriend, what did she expect from stealing someone’s boyfriend? It wasn’t going to be rainbows and sunshine all the time. You can’t be that clueless to really think that it was going to be perfect. You came in and ruined something that might have not have worked out in the first place. You pushed and pushed for something that wasn’t ready to happen yet. You made him ruin something that he wasn’t ready to end yet. What do you expect from him? Although it’s kind of nice that you two aren’t exactly happy, that’s what you get for making it so convenient and easy for him. Slut. And don’t think about apologizing because that would be a sin and shame and completely idiotic for you to do that. I don’t respect you as a person, as a woman, or as an enemy. You will never earn my respect, seeing as that you have never deserved it and I know I’m better than you. You deserve what you’re getting and I don’t feel sorry for you. And I hope you realize what you did, what you caused, and how much useless drama you created. 

Honestly, when people mention his name, it hurts me a lot. I’m a strong girl because I’ve learned to bottle things and move on fairly quickly. I don’t allow something to hurt me on a surface level because I have an image to maintain. As much as I’d love to cry and frown and let all my feelings out, I don’t feel comfortable doing that around anyone. Even with my mom, I feel as if I need to be the strong one. I’ve always been the strong one. Go on and hit me because I will try not to cry. But for every time his name is spoken I feel a pain in my body. A sudden urge to think of everything we ever did, Especially now as school has begun. He was my first true, real boyfriend, the first boy to meet my family. Its little things that I remember that hurt the most. Why? To hell if I can even understand them myself. I hate that he played me a lot, and that he fails to recognize what he did to me. I don’t want to run into anyone because I’d rather be alone with my thoughts and not have to worry about what anyone thinks, or what anyone can guess what happened. He cheated simple and clear as day. He lied. He was a dog. He was dirt. As terrible as it sounds that I feel the need to bring those things up now that we are over. Its just the truth. He was never good enough for me, and I don’t ever want to have someone who’s just good enough, but rather, someone who is deserving of me. Someone who values me and only me and doesn’t want to play games. Someone who is genuinely there for me and wants to be happy with me and is truly comfortable with me. I just want a friendship with a boy, that eventually blossoms into something more, something that is meant to be there, something that is meant to happen. Not something created out of lust and desire. 

I mean, I truly do enjoy school, but to some degree I kind of just don’t care anymore? I can obtain high marks if I really craved them, but honestly I don’t for some odd strange reason. I want and I can be smart but if everyone has those expectations of me, I don’t want them. I want people to acknowledge that I can obtain those grades, rather than expecting those grades from me. I value learning more than I value grades, why because I’ve learned more shit in one semester of college even if I got low marks, than in four years of high school cheating my way to have top marks.

It isn’t that I want a boyfriend, I guess what I’m craving is the chase. Knowing that someone wants you. I want to feel wanted. I crave the feeling of being wanted. And for once in my life I don’t have that and I feel disgusting because I don’t make anyone desire myself. I realize what he meant about wanting to feel wanted, but he’s an idiot all in the same. He lusts for me, but he isn’t what I want. Adding to the fact that he as a girlfriend yet continues to think he’s single until they hit landmarks. Do not mess around with him. You know what it’s like when another woman is offering something to your man. Do not commit something you wouldn’t want committed unto yourself. Learn. Grow, Respect. Thrive. Forgive. Forget. Move on. Its for the best. 

He hurt me, in a way a man has never hurt me. But that’s what happens when you love a man. They hurt you in every way possible. In every way that you’ve allowed them to hurt you. 

"A man is only as faithful as his options"

Words like those never meant so much until after you’ve had a man treat you like shit.

I’m certain that you find me to be a dumb bitch now. How could I ask you such a thing? You’ve told me many times that you don’t fancy me. Yet like a dumb bitch I continue to push and push for a real answer. Yet the answer is clear, you don’t see me that way. And that’s okay. It happens. I just need to understand this and move on. But I can’t seem to move on because I want at least a tiny sliver of your love. Your taste on my lips, your smell on my skin. Something. But that will never be. And I should definitely learn it now. Before I continue to look and act like a drunken fool around you. 

You are by far, the most amazing and close to perfect man I have enjoyed getting to know. You fail to realize that you are so extremely close to perfection. And I wish I could have you to myself, but I know I’m not the girl you want to be with; and that’s perfectly fine. I just don’t want to lose you as a friend, because you are special to me. Very dear to me, I know I can come to you and you will tell me what I need to hear. I want you to want me the way I want you, yet I know that will never be a possibility. I have always wanted you, even when I was with him, I always wanted you. You were so close and dear to me. You understood me in a way that he could have never learned. You made me laugh, even when I didn’t want to laugh, you made it possible for me to be happy even when I thought there was nothing left to be happy about. I’ve come to you with problems, and although you know our history and my feelings towards you, you help me to your best abilities and have always made me feel special. But I know you don’t want me in that sense. Of course that’s my interpretation of how you talk to me and what you tell me when I’ve left hints here and there. I want to be an adult and have that conversation with you about what we want from the other. But, I want to be a teenage girl hopelessly in love with a boy who will never love her the way she wants him to love her. 

Would you ever consider me as something more than a friend?

Even if just for one day we act as if we have always been in love and what the other wanted, could you possibly fall in love with me the way I’ve fallen in love with you over and over again ?

Surprisingly, I know I can fall in love with you man times over and over because of the man you’ve become. Any woman would be lucky to have you.

May I possibly be that woman?

Is this just how things are meant to be? I am meant to be hopelessly in love with you while you find other women to fall in love with? I hope that one day you will want me the way I want you and that it won’t be too late. That I won’t have moved on already. Jason, you have always been extremely special to me. But I wonder if I’ve been anything more than simply a close friend to you. Why don’t you seem to take an interest in me like I have in you ? Is there something about me you don’t like? I’m of age now. That was the only thing that was stopping you, so now that I am of age, why won’t you try anything with me? I want you. Want me back.. please. I know I love you. 

Of all the men I’ve had the pleasure of encountering, you were by far the worst in my life. You were the one I loved the most. The one I would have done anything for, and at the end, you couldn’t do one simple thing for me. And that hurts me more than anything in the world because I wanted you the most. Even if I did find other men attractive, you were the one I wanted to cuddle up against at 3 in the morning when I couldn’t sleep.

If the tables had been turned, you would have left me as quickly as possible. But you’re easily forgiven and praised because you’re a man, correct? As much as I am against the whole idea of men and women being equal, double standards are something I hate the most. You wouldn’t have given me any chances if I had cheated on you. But I guess I’m the stupid one, I knew what I was getting myself into when I said we could work it out.

And stupid of me to not listen to the various people who constantly warned me about who you were and how you were treating me. Why couldn’t you give me one simple thing, and keep that. All I asked was for you to not talk to the woman who was trying to ruin our relationship. Was it that difficult? I hope you are happy, As happy as you can be knowing what you did to me. 

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